420 ftw
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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