I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
