i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
