Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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