the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
