Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
