Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
