her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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