this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
