The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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