there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
