I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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