i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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