Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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