You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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