I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
