Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
