Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
