she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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