WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
