you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
