You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
