My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
