got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
