yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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