Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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