why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
