So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
