Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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