Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
