Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
