I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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