Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
