I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
