then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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