mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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