he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
