my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
