The maid of honor just puked.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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