Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
