You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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