why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am one with the molecules
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
