are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Drake has all the answers
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
