it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
