yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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