So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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