i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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