You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
