sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
