When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
